Researchers have found that a key brain system is similar in 
In other words, the value of the truth is sometimes obscured by the pain or difficulty it causes.
In many cases it's clear that telling the truth doesn't have negative consequences, and here's an example: If someone asks you the date and time, a truthful response is unlikely to cause heartache.
Many other situations, however, aren't clear-cut, and although some of us possess "social" or "emotional intelligence," terms coined by author Daniel Goleman, many of us aren't interpersonally adept enough to know when the truth will do more harm than good.
Here's a classic scenario that men frequently share with me: "My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress. I was foolish enough to believe that she wanted me to tell her the truth, so when I answered affirmatively, I couldn't understand why she got so upset with me." The truth, in this case, was apparently not the right answer!
If in the interest of being honest, you sometimes put your foot in your mouth, the following guidelines may be helpful.
When telling the truth is probably the best answer:
When you answer someone's question or otherwise provide truthful information that you believe will not diminish that person in any way.
When the information shared with someone will keep them out of harm's way, and doesn't insult their intelligence, skill, maturity, etc., e.g., "There is a five-car pile-up on the highway, so you might want to take the back roads".
When the truth is a compliment that should make the other person feel good. If you believe that openly praising someone diminishes you in their eyes, think again.
When an honest response, even though it causes some pain, will do more harm than good, e.g., "As your boss, I need to let you know that your job performance is slipping, and here's how ... "
When telling the truth is likely the wrong thing to do:
When the truth unnecessarily hurts someone, e.g., "You aren't invited to my party".
You are telling the truth at someone's expense because you are frustrated and want to vent.
You are either angry at, or jealous of, someone, and wish to hurt them with the truth, e.g., "Your new haircut looks terrible".
How to avoid hurting someone with the truth:
Work on your impulse control by stopping to think before you speak, especially if you are experiencing intense emotions.
If you determine that your motive is bad, the truth is likely to be unhelpful.
If you realize that the information you are about to share will do more harm than good, stuff it.
Information is not always meant to be shared with others, just because it's true. Remember that with honesty comes great responsibility, and although honesty is usually the best approach, the decision to withhold the truth may sometimes be the right answer.
Maud Purcell is a psychotherapist, corporate consultant, and director of the Life Solution Center of Darien. Write her at mpurcell@thelifesolutioncenter. net
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